The man I covet
by Sapphire1112
Summary: Set during the pub scene at the end of 'And then there were three'. and just after. I do not own the Characters.
1. Chapter 1

He chuckles at my response to his suggestion. It was what he predicted – though not what he _hoped_. He wants nothing more than to be able to kiss me in front of everyone. He tires of being my secret boyfriend. I know I'm lucky that he's been so patient with me. I don't deserve him and I worry about scaring him away – or just pushing him until he loses patience, but he must _really_ love me because he's still here – _he's_ _still trying_.

I'm afraid that he thinks I'm ashamed of him, because he's a nurse and I'm a doctor – but I'm not. I don't care about that – he is what he is and I wouldn't want to change him for the world. I still feel incredibly guilty about making him 'pretend' he was a doctor at the surgeon's dinner, I don't know why I did that. It wasn't right.

The truth is I _want_ to kiss him in public, but I can't bring myself to do it. It's never been me – but then I've never had anyone who cares about me like he does. I think that's what scares me, because I don't understand _how_ he can feel that way about, - _or why_. I'm not important. I'm insignificant – a good doctor at times, but nothing else to shout about. _Nothing at all._

My Dad didn't care about me – he was more interested in alcohol and my brother has never cared about me either. He's more interested in drugs and I wasn't enough to make my Mum want to live, so why does Jay care so much? It's me I'm ashamed of.

My life has always been dark. I've had dark thoughts and sometimes I've done dark things, but when Jay arrived in the ED, everything lit up. I liked him straight away – and I wanted him to like me, but it never occurred to me that he would. _I'm not a nice person and I don't deserve a man like him._

When he agreed to accompany me to the surgeon's dinner, I honestly believed he was doing it for the money – not because that's the kind of man he is – he's not. _If anything he's the opposite._ I felt that it was the kind of behaviour I deserve. I didn't believe that I deserved his time and I still don't really understand why _he thinks_ I do. When he gave me the money back, I felt awful, because I realised how it looked to him – how it made him feel. _How hurt he was._

When we spent the night together after the surgeon's dinner, I thought he was being 'over-zealous' in his duties – or that he was just giving me what I wanted. I never wanted to hurt Jay. I can understand why he was angry – _he had every right_. I can understand why he wanted to wash his hands of me. I can't blame him, but when he said he wanted nothing else to do with me, the clouds just came over. _The light had disappeared and I panicked._

Jay helped me again, but after I lost the rotation, I found out that he had been told about my suicide attempt and was clearly worried that I was going to try again. I didn't want his pity. _I wanted him_. It wasn't until he said that he'd watched me sleep that I realised _how_ he felt. It was the _way_ he said it – the way he looked at me _when_ he said it. I knew, _beyond all doubt_ that he loved me as I loved him – but I didn't understand _why_. That's why I yelled at him to 'get out'.

I knew Jay was worried about me as I sat on my own that evening and I could feel the dark thoughts overtaking me. He was right – I didn't want to be alone. He's my light and I need him. Without Jay, the darkness takes over, so I turned up at his door. He looked so relieved to see me. I wasn't ready to admit how right he was – at least not with words, so I claimed I was there to keep him from staying up all night worrying. It was kind of true – he probably wouldn't have slept for worrying about me. I've got a feeling he stayed up half the night watching me sleep anyway, but his arms are warm and he was happy knowing that I was safe. I _felt_ safe with him and I probably wouldn't have slept without him there either – it's the security I've always longed for. _Just me and Jay._ I feel like I can achieve anything when I'm with him. _Almost anything._

I'm too ashamed of the person I am, to publicly acknowledge our relationship. Even after we spend another night together, I make him hide behind a bush and insist we go into the ED separately. He can't seem to take his eyes off me though, in the department and the paranoia makes me flip when he brings me a cup of tea. It's silly really – he was just being caring.

So when I rebuff his suggestion in the pub, and then respond to his next comment with _"Who says you're being invited to my flat.",_ I wish more than anything that I could just forget my feelings of not being good enough for him and kiss him the way he wants me to – _the way I want to._

Jay knows what I am – _how_ I am and for some reason, _he loves me anyway_ , so instead, he holds out his hand against my knee, under the table and away from prying eyes. His own eyes have a pleading look in them. I give him a nervous smile and put my hand in his – silently telling him that I want this. I want him. _I love him._ He strokes my hand with his thumb. It feels nice and we sit like that for a while – undisturbed, while he drinks his lager.

Then Toby arrives and Jay moves to sit with him and the F2s. My hand feels cold now that his is gone. _I really want him to come home with me to my flat._ The thought of going back without him seems so cold and empty, but he's got better things to do now – and better company, so I sigh and pick up my bag, before leaving the pub, alone and dejected.

Jay chases after me. "Hey, wait for me!"

"You've got better things to do. Don't let me stop you." I comment, trying to sound like I'm not _really_ _devastated_ that he'd rather be somewhere else.

"What I _want_ to do, Dr Winters, is spend the evening with my girlfriend." He answers, leaning down and gently kissing my neck. _The sensation makes me shudder_ _every time._ "Hey, don't worry babe – there's no one here." He chuckles as I glance around nervously.

"Ok, come on then." I say, taking his hand. As he said, there is no one about, so we go home together again.

 _I could get used to this._


	2. Chapter 2

I wake up on my sofa. It's not the _most_ comfortable place to sleep, but I've not long moved in – there are boxes everywhere and as of yet, I don't have a bed. The sofa turns into one, but at the moment, there isn't room to put it out as a bed – so Jay and I just slept on the sofa. I don't mind. _He's comfortable to lie against._ He's crouching next to me when I open my eyes. I smile sleepily as he complains at me for not completing the task I promised to – but the elusive Allan key is still missing.

Jay stops me from getting up and informs me that he's going to make me eggs. He's very enthusiastic about making me breakfast, bless him and when he asks me what I want him to do with my house keys, I tell him to hold onto them for now. _I thinks that makes him happy._

We walk to work together. Jay has picked up a cold – so he's suffering a bit, but it doesn't stop him from getting excited on my behalf when I tell him about Sarah Evans' latest plans. I can always count on _him_ to boost my confidence. I stop him before we're seen together.

" _We're not going to do the hedge thing!"_

It's got a name now – _'The hedge Thing'._ Jay protests further that he has a cold and is feeling delicate. He looks gutted when I continue to insist that we have to go into work separately and I gently kiss his lips to say sorry, before going in on my own.

" _But I made you eggs!"_ He calls after me.

I look back and give him a weak smile, but I feel awful.

I worry about him all through the shift. I know he doesn't feel well and I just want him to be ok. I see him going into the staff room looking _particularly_ unwell at one point, so I go in at the first opportunity I get.

He's bent over a bowl of hot water – trying to ease the effects of the cold with steam. I ask if he's ok, but he's clearly not. When I then ask why he's upset, I get the answer I'm terrified of. He doesn't want to be a secret any more – and _as I feared_ , he thinks I'm ashamed of him. I try to reassure that I'm not, but he says I have to choose. _I have to decide who I want to be._ The girl who _wants_ to be with him – or the girl who _doesn't_. _I know what I want. I know what I need._ I just don't know if I can overcome my fear of not being good enough for him.

He gives me my keys back and leaves the room. _I'm going to lose him_. I can't lose him – I just _can't_ but I'm going to. _Good things only happen to good people_.

The thought terrifies me me, but later I get more good news from Sarah Evans and it gives me another boost. _I love Jay and I need him._

He's standing in reception, reading note. I put my hand gently on his back. He turns and looks at me in surprise – I'm showing affection for him in public. It's something Ruth Winters _never_ does – not for anyone. _Except him now._ He looks nervous - not quite sure _what_ I'm going to do. I put my hands on his face and kiss his lips the way I did behind the hedge this morning – _but we're not behind the hedge now_ and I hear gasps of shock from around the room as I break away from him and our eyes lock. Jay smiles and pulls me against him. Someone in the room starts applauding as he pulls me in for another kiss – deeper this time. When we break apart, Jay grins happily because I've shown that I'm commited to him – _he's not a secret_ _any more._

We go home together again – back to mine, though this time, we manage to clear enough space in the living room to lie out the sofa bed and light candles all around, before our take-out arrives. We will sleep more comfortably tonight and the candles create a lovely warm, romantic atmosphere.

 _But it's having Jay here that makes it feel like home._


End file.
